I'm just wondering that what makes you think your "creepy" idea will work. I know it has nothing to do with me whatsoever you do on Internet, its democracy, but do something creative.

So my suggestion is
(1)Change your website's layout. Mostly remove all "Tatoo" type smilies, it makes the visitor feel that you are not serious!

(2) And shorten your writting and write it in the manner of professional "TOS" and like "buddy, hey, ladkiyon" words will really makes visitor feel that all what you are doing is "Joke" and not business.

That's it.

I wrote what I felt and if you don't like it, just ignore it.